Since the September 7 election Tony Abbot has taken his government from the popularity of a Bali holiday to the writhing agony of the tropical squirts. In just 100 days he has achieved the almost impossible task of disappointing every voter in Australia.
Marjorie Giswell of Cronulla, a pensioner and voter stated, ‘I haven’t been this disappointed in politicians since Rudd was in government and the time before that when Rudd was in government’.
Australians are deeply disappointed over the Indonesian spying scandal, the ‘triple-backflip’ over education funding, the proposed sale of GrainCorp, Operation Sovereign Borders and Christopher Pyne.
Marjorie Giswell continued, ‘I saw on telly those Indonesian fellas burning the Australian flag and I thought to myself, “yeh, why not” ‘
Such is the level of disappointment Australian voters feel that many are looking back to August 2006 when there was no government for three weeks. During this time of a hung parliament, the two major parties negotiated desperately with Independents to win the balance of power. From the election of August 21 till the minority government was sworn in on Sept 14, there were 23 glorious days of a government-free Australia.
This has become known as the golden-age of Australian federal politics as the country powered on regardless with no-one at the reigns.
Treasurer Joe Hockey announced that the Coalition is hoping to aggressively legislate an increase of the Commonwealth Government debt limit to $500 billion.
‘People think I’m a cute and cuddly Treasurer but I lead from my gut, from my groin. When it comes to the debt-ceiling think of my pelvic floor.’ he stated.
‘I’m so tough, people call me ‘Ice’ Hockey, Ice is my nickname l’m a Maverick, okay I got the two guys from Top Gun mixed-up, but you know what I mean I’m hot and looking for action like the volleyball scene.’ explained the Member for North Sydney.
The new Coalition government has taken a lot of heat for trying to look tough. They were roundly criticised for only having one female Minister with a portfolio, that of Julie Bishop the Minister for Foreign Affairs. Hockey reacted to this criticism by saying ‘Yes but we’ve got a female Speaker, the other Bishop, Bronwyn. Technically as the Speaker she doesn’t get a vote and Julie Bishop while keen to vote is usually out of the country.
Hockey who today completed positive back-to-back meetings with Treasury and the Labor party was seen leaving Parliament House singing ‘Lets get Fiscal, Fiscal, I want to get Fiscal’
The Australian Navy has given another batch of its old, outdated naval boats to Sri Lanka. This was met with a plea by Sri Lankan President Mahendra Rajapaksa to please stop.
‘Yes it is nice to get things for free but please stop giving us your unwanted junk’ he stated. ‘We are not the charity bin of the Asia-Pacific’.
‘Australia has an outdated, aging and rusty fleet that they need to get rid of’, Scott Morrison the Minister for Immigration and Border Protection has previously said, adding ‘like Tony Abbott I’m not going to say sorry’.
A letter was sent by the Sri Lankan President to Tony Abbott today begging him to Please Stop the Boats. Scott Morrison replied via twitter asking if he’d be interested in one of our Collins Class Submarines.
To the Manus Island off-shore Processing Centre in PNG the Australian Navy has given 9 pairs of old boat shoes.
Two of Indonesia’s top spies have voluntarily turned themselves in and flown back to Jakarta, after spying on PM Tony Abbott for the last 3 years.
“We have seen more than we ever wanted to see.” stated one spy after handing in thousands of hours of footage they had filmed of of Tony Abbott wearing speedos.
“This has to be a human rights violation.” stated the second spy who admitted that for the last two and half years they had been confusing people smugglers with budgie smugglers.
The two spies left a note with airport security stating ‘We know that Abbott said that “sometimes torture just happens” but it’s all the time, it’s painful we just need to get back home and have our memories erased.’
Tony Abbott’s three daughters are desperately trying to escape their current life, after they were used in numerous photos with their father in his successful election campaign.
The girls have applied to the Federal government for protection saying that they want a new and better life in which they are free to go to the races wearing their designer Johnny Schembri outfits.
“I can’t leave the house without someone shouting out inappropriate comments about ‘polling’.” said Abbott’s oldest daughter. “One man was talking to me about the Big Election but was smirking as he said it” added the middle daughter.
“We can’t go anywhere or trust anyone” added the youngest “so we’re stuck in the house helping our mum in the kitchen”.
Being trapped in their Northern Beaches mansion “is not a long-term nor humane solution” stated a source from human rights watchdog Amnesty International.
The three Abbott girls with their model good-looks released a statement for the media by pressing a sign against the living room window which stated ‘P_ _ _ Off!’, prompting some commentators to wonder whether they will resort to desperate measures such as setting the house alight.
They later tweeted, ‘We don’t want to see our plight become a political football, we just want our freedom – imagine if this happened to your family’
The girls have currently been housebound for 4 days.
Howls of protest greeted NSW Roads Minister Duncan Gay after he ordered the iconic rainbow pedestrian crossing in Oxford St be covered by a layer of tar. The crossing had been created to celebrate the 35th anniversary of the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. This deliberately aggressive act has resulted in a backlash against Mr Gay with a lot of Anti-Gay sentiment around the Oxford St area and the formation of the Anti-Gay Gay and Lesbian Lobby. The A-GGLL are even organising an Anti-Gay march to be held down Oxford St as a protest against Mr Gay. Organisers of the march say that they are not expecting any trouble as they know that many of the police are also Anti-Gay.
Now Australia can censor the internet faster than any other country.
Leading British newspaper, London’s Times has pleaded with Australians not to return home to better job opportunities as the pound plummets. “It’s really a vote of no-confidence in the ‘old country’ ” says Oliver Darcy, a conservative politician. “I mean I’m not not racist but why don’t they not go back to their own country?”
Rolf Harris regrets racist verse
With the launch of his new illustrated book, titled Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport, Rolf Harris has removed a controversial verse from his original song. He says that what started as a fun song 50 years ago has become non-PC and that verse needed to be changed. Harris had no comment when questioned about the song’s cruelty to animals.
Doctor performs amputation by text message
A British surgeon volunteering in the Democratic Republic of Congo used text message instructions to perform a life-saving arm amputation. The operation was a success, though the doctor is recovering from a sprained thumb
1.2 million copies of a fake New York Times newspaper were distributed in New York and Los Angeles. The pretend front page claimed that the war in Iraq was over. Readers expressed anger over the incorrect TV guide.
‘Indian Doctor driving bomb into airport’ turned out to just be a Sydney Cab